Breaking News: North Korea Attacks Alaska

Axis of Evil member North Korea today launched two Taepodong-2 nuclear missiles striking targets in Alaska. Anchorage and Juneau were targeted. Initial reports say few people were killed given that most citizens were observing a local dogsled race. However the damage to the cities was estimated in the tens of millions.

This provocative move has the United States of America reeling, given the central importance of Alaska to the US economy; not to mention that Alaska is home to many bald eagles, the symbol synonymous with all things American. Local soldiers have been dispatched to protect the cruise ship industry as well as the oil pipelines in the state.

Canada has offered to assist the understaffed Americans with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Prime Minister Harper declared immediately that a number of RCMP officers would be removed from their usual duties harassing local First Nations and sent to Alaska.

In a statement following the attacks, the North Korean foreign minister stated that this attack was punishment for continued surveillance of the secretive country and continued American support for the government of South Korea. "Logically we had to do something. We had this new missile and it seemed foolish to let it go to waste. Come on, you Americans of all people understand this motivation".

A visibly frightened Donald Rumsfeld met reporters deep inside the fifth layer of the Pentagon to explain his country's next steps. "Only moments ago I ordered our Pacific Stealth Bomber Fleet to deliver a retaliatory nuclear strike. North Korea has formidable air defenses but we expect roughly 10% to survive and deliver their payloads to targets".

It's expected that by the end of the day North Korea will be a crater in the earth, similar to the one that destroyed the dinosaurs.

(Of course, no one wants to have Alaska laid waste by North Korean warheads. However it's important to put this news in perspective. North Korea may have a weapon capable of hitting the US but what use would using it be? Even if they could hit Washington, why would they if the result was a hole in the ground where Pyongyang used to be. Let's not forget that the United States of America is the country with one of the largest stockpiles of nuclear weapons. And they can hit anyone, anywhere and at anytime)